“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
You’re my lucky charm.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
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