The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
You’re so hot you make my lab goggles fog up.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
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