Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
Do you need more sugar or am I sweet enough?
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
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