What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
The superconductor left without resistance.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
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