Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Want to lock our bikes together?
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
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