Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
Owl always love you.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Roses should learn what it means to be perfect from you.
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
Ommmm... let's meet up in our spirit form.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
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