The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
You looked better when I was drunk.
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
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