After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
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