“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
Hey, so how do you spell your name?
OK, and how do you spell your number?
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
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