What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
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