Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
Curling? More like curling up next to you in bed, am I right?
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
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