I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
You're my missing ingredient.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Irish you were beer.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
I hope for world peas.
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Even my new stainless steel cookware set isn't as slick as you.
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
Do you believe in love at first set, or should we run it another time?
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Go to BabaMail
