Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
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