Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Best in snow.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Go to BabaMail
