Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
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