What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
"No wine left behind."
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
I always have a ball with you.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
"It's wine o'clock."
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
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