Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
We were mermaid for each other.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
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