“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
Icy what you did there.
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
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