How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
I like you a latke!
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
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