I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
"No body won the skeleton race."
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
"Time to wine down."
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
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