A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
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