I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
I'm pine-ing for you.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
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