I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
I am a mean green machine.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
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