"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
Calm before the score
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
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