How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
"Love the wine you're with."
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Give me some pigskin
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
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