What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
I'm sorry I had an accident...
I slipped and fell right into your heart.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
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