What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
How do you get dragon milk?
Find a cow with no back legs
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Call me a pirate and give me that booty.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
How about a kanga-root?
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
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