My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
You're my missing ingredient.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
You must be related to Nikola Tesla because you're electrifying.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
You know what they say? Words.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
I find you very a-peeling.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
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