“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Man: Did you fall from heaven?
Woman: No, but I'm an Angel and died fifteen years ago... just like that pick up line.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
I’m feelin’ green.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
Leave poetry to the prose.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
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