It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
Go big or go gnome.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
I feel like we're in tune
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
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