What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
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