The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
You're embarrassed by my dense pickup lines? OK, I won't continuum. I'll be more discrete.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
"Let's have some skele-fun."
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
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