“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
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