"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.
Do you need more sugar or am I sweet enough?
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Go to BabaMail
