I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
Eddie edited it.
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
I=f(U), I can't function without you.
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
Go to BabaMail
