If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Can I claim your baggage?
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
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