"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
when I’m with you.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
"You crack me up."
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
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