My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
Take a page from the book and leaf.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
Go to BabaMail
