What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
You set my heart bonfire.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
Corona crisis reaches new level:
Iran out of toilet paper.
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
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