"I wood never leaf you."
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
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