What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.

“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown

Let’s make like a banana and split.

Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.

Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising

How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein

Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."

"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.

What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.

What month always asks questions and permission?
May!

Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?

Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.

I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.

I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.

“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson

What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny

I only have ice for you.

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright

Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.

"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black

What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!

The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.

Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!

Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.

“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”

For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.

The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".

Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.

Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.

“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.

It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny

Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott

A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.

A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...

I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.

Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.

Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...

What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.

All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.

I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.