"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
Love me do
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
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