Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
You’re sweeter than fructose.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
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