Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
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