"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
"Eggs-cuse me."
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
I Got to Get You Into My Life
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
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