"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
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