I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
I heard you are a goalkeeper, can you keep me forever?
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
Did you invent the airplane? Cause you seem Wright for me.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
"Some people have no guts."
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
To get to the other tide.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
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