I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Worm!
Worm who?
Worm to meet you!
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
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