Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.

How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!

How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.

What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.

“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and watch me disappear!

Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.

Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.

"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous

I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.

A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.

The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.

Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.

"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien

What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.

This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.

McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.

What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!

What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns

Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.

My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.

My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.

What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.

What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.

What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!

What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.

Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.

How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?

What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.

When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.

What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.

"Little Boy Blue"

Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.

Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!

– Darren Sardelli

If I followed you home, would you keep me?

Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.

Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?

"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.