Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
Even my new stainless steel cookware set isn't as slick as you.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Snow thank you.
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
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