The temperature can only go up from here.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
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