"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
How hot does your gas oven get?
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.
"Bury me next to a straight man."
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
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