Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
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"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
She has high elf-esteem.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
I love all of your stratified layers!
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
Girls just wanna have sun!
Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
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