I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
I think, therefore I’m single.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
Something in the way you move attracts me like no other
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
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