If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
You sleigh me.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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