I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
Want to go for a ride?
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
I came here looking for a little tail.
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
You're so clover!
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
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