I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
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Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
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