“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
I’m fondue you.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
Go to BabaMail
