What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
We make a great pear
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
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