I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
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