What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?

Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions

What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.

My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

Your name is insert name here?

Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.

What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!

Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!

“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn

Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.

"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."

- Fergie

We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.

What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.

What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.

My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...

We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.

Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.

Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.

You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!

I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.

Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.

How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.

I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.

You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

You’re brew-tiful!

What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!

Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.

In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
---
“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis

"Crabby"

I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.

If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.

– Barbara Vance

You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.

I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.

Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?

"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."

I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.

I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.

What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.

Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.

My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.

Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced

Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.

Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar

What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.