What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.

Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.

What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!

What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.

What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”

“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous

Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.

Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.

Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?

Girl, you give me the butterflies.

Hey baby, remember how you said that you can’t live without me? Well, it’s time to get your affairs in order….

“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”

Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

Where do fish sleep? In a river bed

A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.

My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.

If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?

Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.

What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.

Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.

What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.

It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.

As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.

What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!

Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.

What did the car call his new band?

Back Seat Boys.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!

Good work, we’re raising your annual celery

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."

What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias

The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.

How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.

My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.

Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?

It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."

What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.

The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!

Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.

What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?