I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
I like you, you croc my world.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
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