I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
You really mermaid my day.
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
Go to BabaMail
