If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.

Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age

What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.

Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.

A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.

Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.

Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.

“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

You're my purr-son.

My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.

“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller

You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.

What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”

“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”

My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."

Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!

I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.

Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.

My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.

Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!

A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."

What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.

Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?

- by Jeff Kyser

Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?

What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.

Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.

“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward

Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.

"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"

I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.

Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn

Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain

"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens

It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”

“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous

My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."

Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.

You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime

What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer

How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!