What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
"Rosé all day."
Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!
Can I be Candide with you?
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
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