It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
Paddy like a rockstar.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
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