What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Til death do us part and then some, dear.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
"Be kind, re-wine."
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
I always get cuts and bruises because every single day, minute and second i keep on falling in love with you.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
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