What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.

"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!

My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.

What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.

“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain

Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?

It's cutting-edge technology.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.

I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?

Where are sharks from?
Finland!

Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.

How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.

"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."

Tropic like it's hot.

I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.

"Maybe this is not the right time for us"

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.

What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.

What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!

What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.

Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.

What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.

If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.

Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.

There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.

Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.

Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.

Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.

What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.

What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!

Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.

In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.

“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen

Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.

“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen

Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.

What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.

I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.

What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.

Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.

“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”

- Emo Phillips.

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."

- Natalie Wood.

How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?

A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.

"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley

How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.