What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.
Except the direction I'm walking in.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
Who’s your paddy?
I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
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