For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
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