Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
Man is Fatally Slain.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
I can turn your software into hardware.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
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