Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
I didn't know angels flew this low.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
Girl you are like the sweet song of a choir.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
This summer is going swimmingly.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
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